I want to start off with saying I am not a mental health professional. I have done research on this topic in desperately for my life back. The past 2 years have been rough for me and still from time to time I find myself stuck in these pits of sadness in my own mind. You’re your worst critic. Everything I create I critique for days on end until I’m “okay” with the outcome but never fully happy with the end result.
For months and months I went through job interviews and filling out countless job applications. I would wait day by day with my email always open on my computer screen. I made it to so many job interviews that turned out disappointing. I’m starting to feel no one really respects designers or artists, offering barely enough wages to pay for rent in California let alone live here. I’m not saying designers CAN”T find jobs here nor live here but it seems there are not many willing to pay what I believe my work is worth. This frustrating situation caused me to think the worst in myself. My own critique designed to degrade and distress me. These feelings went on for months leading onto a year. A year had passed and I realized how consumed I had become with these feelings, I have done research on this topic in an attempt to desperately get my life back
With my research I had learned that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Which all made sense scientifically but what exactly does it mean? How does this imbalance occur and why does it make me feel sad? I’m not a scientist nor a doctor so these “chemicals” and what they do is something I don’t understand. What I do know is how to prevent these chemicals from causing an imbalance or balance them back to normal. To better understand the science behind this I watched a video I would like to share with you. To most it might seem boring but these types of educational videos interests me especially when it comes to bettering my body and mood.
In the video he talks about how this rate of depression has increased greatly over the years and how most of the time we are put on antidepressants and just kind of expect the medication to “fix” us. I have never been the type of person to take medication. I will take something for a horrible headache but I feel my body has the strength to overcome most issues on my own. Even with pain my body will somehow find a way to soothe it. Some people don’t think in this way or they simply are so deep in their depression believing there is no escape but these drugs… and that’s ok. I don’t have anything against antidepressants. However the way I choose to deal with these things is my choice as it is yours to make your choice. I choose to take certain actions naturally to help me deal with what I have become. I just wanted to put that out there in case you were wondering why I don’t just take the medication to feel better. It’s not me.
Also in the video he talks about a group of people called the “Kaluli”. They don’t live as we do but live like hunters and gatherers. Scientifically how we were designed to survive. Now days we just sit at home and entertain ourselves with tv shows and computers. Gathering food is as easy as going to the grocery store and surviving seems so simple. Therefor we start to feel we have no purpose. At least that’s where I have gone. What I feel. I feel useless to the point I have to depend on my boyfriends income to survive. I hate saying it out loud. I disappoint myself by saying it and acknowledging it. I hate that I put all the pressure on him to help us survive. I despise telling others I have no work. That I have been searching going on 2 years now and have not fit myself in somewhere. To have them look at me as if I’m not trying. As if I’m being a lazy ass hole sitting home letting my partner carry me in life. As I try my hardest to keep my mind sane, continue searching and never giving up because there is one person who believes I can still do it. That I can still find a company where I am appreciated in. Or just find some small piece of success. He see’s the good in me I no longer see in myself. When I’m breaking down crying and barely breathing… he holds me, comforts me and is pain just simply because I’m in pain. He is a huge piece to this puzzle, but not the only one. The rest has to come from me. Being strong and never giving up. Never giving up starts with coming up with the next move to feeling normal again. I started to change my diet. Not only was I starving myself at the time but I was and have been strongly addicted to sugar. Which in result had me hating my body. Starving myself ect. I started eating fruits and veggies more often. Always trying my best to snack on them each day. Then I slowly started incorporating them into meals just simply because I grew to like them. Bananas for examples is known as the “happy” fruit. I mostly like them when they’re raw but eating them that way is not good for your digestive system. Having them with mostly with brown spots is the best way. I’m not a fan of them like this but I started making them in smoothies. Blended up bananas almost feel like milkshakes. This way I enjoy them try to have them often. Next is exercising. I absolutely hate the gym. I despise it and how bored it makes me. I will go sometimes to for my mussels but I mostly enjoy swimming or walking my dog. Doing these has helped me not overcome but deal with the current discomfort of depression.