A small peak into my past- Lost friendships- Heart Ache

Realizing someone you care about, doesn’t care about you… stings right in the soul. I’ve dealt with this more than I would like to admit. Never really learning anything from my experiences other than it must be me. I’m the problem, I must not be likable… lovable.

I was browsing through YouTube as I always do. I came across a video of two friends who had somehow parted ways and decided to meet up once more and rekindle the friendship that once was. I think we can all relate to this in some way or another. We can’t just simply say “ I don’t care about this person anymore”. This video brought back memories and got me thinking of all the friendships or relationships I’ve had that ended badly. It made me wonder if I were to see that person today, what would I do? What would I say? Would I smile and say hi? Or would I panic and become anxious and walk away? With some people I felt I knew the answer. Others I guessed I would based it off of what the other person’s reaction would be.

Then it clicked. The encounters with these people are not just in my control. Sure I can do my part. I always try to be understand to others situations. I’ve been through some shit myself.. I get it. Life can just simply fucking suck sometimes. But I’ve learned that not everyone thinks the way I do. Not to say I’m better than anyone else. Maybe this is a curse within a blessing. I feel this trait has gotten me hurt more than it has helped me sadly. But I like being this way. I don’t like to judge others because I hate to be judged. I understand that the stress and chaos of life can often distract us and we end up hurting someone unintentionally in the process. This is just… life I guess. We all have our own way of dealing with it. You ultimately choose how you react to those people going through rough times. You can be understanding… or be selfish because they didn’t reach out to you one day when you could’ve used a friend. I strongly feel relating to someone’s heart ache or troubled experiences is a much better alternative. Which can also get me into trouble…

I have 3 sisters. I speak to my older sister almost daily but the other 2 are distant for the most part. But there’s one sister I grew up clung too. I was the second oldest. Always feeling protective of my sisters I would make a point at school or anywhere in public really.. that those were MY sisters. If anyone would pick on them or start some sort of drama ( you know high school) I would step in, no questions asked, ready to defend them. But there was one moment in my life where they needed my protection the most. A huge family upset that changed our lives. I felt as if I needed to be strong. Always head held high and ready to fight whatever was thrown our way. Then my sister suddenly… wasn’t my sister? She was angry. She was different? She looked at me differently. I would often make excuses for her in my own mind. Then I became angry with her. She ended up using me multiple times… Money, stealing or just simply causing unnecessary drama.  I’m no fool so once was enough to keep my guard up. But I lost trust in her. I would distance myself to spare myself stress and worry. Then one day… I found out she was in a coma… Asleep for days not knowing if she would wake. It put a hole in my stomach. My mind racing to the worst possible thing that could happen. She had just given birth to a baby boy just a week before. After she gave birth the baby was still in the hospital for a week after she was released. Upset and stressed over her son still in the hospital she grew a headache one day. She simply took medicine to get rid of it… and it turned on her. She started seizing and stopped breathing. The ambulance got there, got her breathing again but she was unconscious. She was rushed to a more advanced hospital. If any of you have ever lived in a small town you know they have basic Hospitals. But when a situation get complicated they fly you to the nearest qualified hospital. Also known as “life flight”. She was in ICU for 3 days. When she woke my mom called me through facebook so I could see her. I just remember crying uncontrollably. I was so happy she was ok. As I learned more about her recovery we began to worry about her mental health. My sister has a strong personality. She’s stubborn, blunt and often has a “badass” attitude. Me being who I am I tried to understand why she was the way she was. She had been through hell… My father gave her up at 15 years old. Mentally abused her daily calling her fat, useless and stupid. My father was a horrible man to all of my sisters and I but by far the worst to her. I remember the day she left… I remember everything I was feeling. The anger I had for my father, the ache in my heart for her. The undying pain of wondering if I would ever see her again. When you’re given up to foster care there’s no telling where you would go. I was 17 years old watching my sister drive off in the back of some stranger’s car. Her bags packed and her room empty. We dealt with our shitty childhood together. I felt strong with her. But once she was gone I just felt empty. Thankfully my aunt had heard what was happening to my sister. She had been registered as a foster family household for some time now and with the help of being apart of our family she was able to take my sister into her home. Years went by. My father finally in prison for being such a horrible person. My mother, sisters and I lived with my grandparents. My sister had been living with my aunt for some time now but she starting acting out. She ended up leaving my aunt’s home to live with our mother but the odd behavior continued. She would start arguments for no reason. She was always mad or sad. Clearly troubled but no one knew how to help her. We would suggest therapy which she tried but never continued. Then hard drugs and smoking joined the picture and I could no longer recognize my sister.

Now that we have a small back story, let’s go back to the last few days in the hospital.

I got a call from her on Facebook. She was bored and irritated but wanted a distraction she said. A nurse is sitting in her room and my sister says “This fucking bitch nurse won’t let me leave”… The past 3 days after waking up she seemed… Normal. Like this was the old her. But as soon as she seemed to get better the more angry and rude she got. She’s the type of person to get carried away with these types of actions. I’m unsure why. Maybe our childhood broke her? The drugs? I felt I tried so hard to help her pick up the pieces but no matter what I did it never seemed to work. I have an unconditional love for her. But the love made me want better for her… but she didn’t see a “better”. As her life slowly went down hill… and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Accepting it felt like I was failing as a sister. But surely me pressuring her pushed her away from me further and eventually we stopped talking. The classic blocking me from Facebook and never answering my texts. She grew further and further away. I always ask about her to anyone who has the chance to see how’s she’s doing. But I rarely reach out knowing I’ll just be ignored.

My point to this blog is dealing and accepting someone you loved or cared about chooses to discard you from their life won’t be easy to deal with. But it’s a choice that’s not up to you. How do you deal with yourself if someone portrays you as the villain? As the faulted one? This is probably the situation I struggle dealing with the most. Most times I find myself thinking “I was so nice”, “I did so much for this person” “I did nothing wrong”. Mostly jumping to defending myself instead of thinking how I could of handled it better. In most of these friendships I’ve chosen to feel sad and down and mostly a victim to unhappy people. Through years of experiencing these things I realized I have to accept what is and still stick to being me. I want to be understanding and loving because so many people deprive me of that. I have no desire to be nasty to another person for their flaws or mistakes. We all have different stories that make us… well us. So I end this blog with encouragement to reach out to that person you want to reconnect with. Be understanding and most of all be kind and learn to let go of grudges. Letting go gives you peace. 

Much love,

Blondie ❤

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