A small peak into my past- Lost friendships- Heart Ache

Realizing someone you care about, doesn’t care about you… stings right in the soul. I’ve dealt with this more than I would like to admit. Never really learning anything from my experiences other than it must be me. I’m the problem, I must not be likable… lovable.

I was browsing through YouTube as I always do. I came across a video of two friends who had somehow parted ways and decided to meet up once more and rekindle the friendship that once was. I think we can all relate to this in some way or another. We can’t just simply say “ I don’t care about this person anymore”. This video brought back memories and got me thinking of all the friendships or relationships I’ve had that ended badly. It made me wonder if I were to see that person today, what would I do? What would I say? Would I smile and say hi? Or would I panic and become anxious and walk away? With some people I felt I knew the answer. Others I guessed I would based it off of what the other person’s reaction would be.

Then it clicked. The encounters with these people are not just in my control. Sure I can do my part. I always try to be understand to others situations. I’ve been through some shit myself.. I get it. Life can just simply fucking suck sometimes. But I’ve learned that not everyone thinks the way I do. Not to say I’m better than anyone else. Maybe this is a curse within a blessing. I feel this trait has gotten me hurt more than it has helped me sadly. But I like being this way. I don’t like to judge others because I hate to be judged. I understand that the stress and chaos of life can often distract us and we end up hurting someone unintentionally in the process. This is just… life I guess. We all have our own way of dealing with it. You ultimately choose how you react to those people going through rough times. You can be understanding… or be selfish because they didn’t reach out to you one day when you could’ve used a friend. I strongly feel relating to someone’s heart ache or troubled experiences is a much better alternative. Which can also get me into trouble…

I have 3 sisters. I speak to my older sister almost daily but the other 2 are distant for the most part. But there’s one sister I grew up clung too. I was the second oldest. Always feeling protective of my sisters I would make a point at school or anywhere in public really.. that those were MY sisters. If anyone would pick on them or start some sort of drama ( you know high school) I would step in, no questions asked, ready to defend them. But there was one moment in my life where they needed my protection the most. A huge family upset that changed our lives. I felt as if I needed to be strong. Always head held high and ready to fight whatever was thrown our way. Then my sister suddenly… wasn’t my sister? She was angry. She was different? She looked at me differently. I would often make excuses for her in my own mind. Then I became angry with her. She ended up using me multiple times… Money, stealing or just simply causing unnecessary drama.  I’m no fool so once was enough to keep my guard up. But I lost trust in her. I would distance myself to spare myself stress and worry. Then one day… I found out she was in a coma… Asleep for days not knowing if she would wake. It put a hole in my stomach. My mind racing to the worst possible thing that could happen. She had just given birth to a baby boy just a week before. After she gave birth the baby was still in the hospital for a week after she was released. Upset and stressed over her son still in the hospital she grew a headache one day. She simply took medicine to get rid of it… and it turned on her. She started seizing and stopped breathing. The ambulance got there, got her breathing again but she was unconscious. She was rushed to a more advanced hospital. If any of you have ever lived in a small town you know they have basic Hospitals. But when a situation get complicated they fly you to the nearest qualified hospital. Also known as “life flight”. She was in ICU for 3 days. When she woke my mom called me through facebook so I could see her. I just remember crying uncontrollably. I was so happy she was ok. As I learned more about her recovery we began to worry about her mental health. My sister has a strong personality. She’s stubborn, blunt and often has a “badass” attitude. Me being who I am I tried to understand why she was the way she was. She had been through hell… My father gave her up at 15 years old. Mentally abused her daily calling her fat, useless and stupid. My father was a horrible man to all of my sisters and I but by far the worst to her. I remember the day she left… I remember everything I was feeling. The anger I had for my father, the ache in my heart for her. The undying pain of wondering if I would ever see her again. When you’re given up to foster care there’s no telling where you would go. I was 17 years old watching my sister drive off in the back of some stranger’s car. Her bags packed and her room empty. We dealt with our shitty childhood together. I felt strong with her. But once she was gone I just felt empty. Thankfully my aunt had heard what was happening to my sister. She had been registered as a foster family household for some time now and with the help of being apart of our family she was able to take my sister into her home. Years went by. My father finally in prison for being such a horrible person. My mother, sisters and I lived with my grandparents. My sister had been living with my aunt for some time now but she starting acting out. She ended up leaving my aunt’s home to live with our mother but the odd behavior continued. She would start arguments for no reason. She was always mad or sad. Clearly troubled but no one knew how to help her. We would suggest therapy which she tried but never continued. Then hard drugs and smoking joined the picture and I could no longer recognize my sister.

Now that we have a small back story, let’s go back to the last few days in the hospital.

I got a call from her on Facebook. She was bored and irritated but wanted a distraction she said. A nurse is sitting in her room and my sister says “This fucking bitch nurse won’t let me leave”… The past 3 days after waking up she seemed… Normal. Like this was the old her. But as soon as she seemed to get better the more angry and rude she got. She’s the type of person to get carried away with these types of actions. I’m unsure why. Maybe our childhood broke her? The drugs? I felt I tried so hard to help her pick up the pieces but no matter what I did it never seemed to work. I have an unconditional love for her. But the love made me want better for her… but she didn’t see a “better”. As her life slowly went down hill… and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Accepting it felt like I was failing as a sister. But surely me pressuring her pushed her away from me further and eventually we stopped talking. The classic blocking me from Facebook and never answering my texts. She grew further and further away. I always ask about her to anyone who has the chance to see how’s she’s doing. But I rarely reach out knowing I’ll just be ignored.

My point to this blog is dealing and accepting someone you loved or cared about chooses to discard you from their life won’t be easy to deal with. But it’s a choice that’s not up to you. How do you deal with yourself if someone portrays you as the villain? As the faulted one? This is probably the situation I struggle dealing with the most. Most times I find myself thinking “I was so nice”, “I did so much for this person” “I did nothing wrong”. Mostly jumping to defending myself instead of thinking how I could of handled it better. In most of these friendships I’ve chosen to feel sad and down and mostly a victim to unhappy people. Through years of experiencing these things I realized I have to accept what is and still stick to being me. I want to be understanding and loving because so many people deprive me of that. I have no desire to be nasty to another person for their flaws or mistakes. We all have different stories that make us… well us. So I end this blog with encouragement to reach out to that person you want to reconnect with. Be understanding and most of all be kind and learn to let go of grudges. Letting go gives you peace. 

Much love,

Blondie ❤

How I Learned to be Afraid of Men

Great read. Midway through I realized I can relate to a lot of these situations. I didn’t grow up with a 5 star father. He broke my trust and gave me the worst view on men. I tried to think it was “just him” but was later proven wrong. This post put what this woman and many others feels when you push yourself on someone. Nag for a phone number or simply being to handsy.


It starts with the warnings. I’m told that it’s dangerous at night. Don’t walk alone at night, don’t be on the sketchy side of town at night, don’t wear revealing clothing at night. Don’t talk on your cell phone when you’re walking home from the bus stop in the dark. It’ll distract you from potential attackers. No, wait. Do talk on your cell phone. It’ll make potential attackers think you have a boyfriend.

After the warnings, it’s the stories. Women I love slip frightening, barely disguised hints into stories about their pasts. Stories that happen at night. I never know the details, but I know I’m not allowed to tell anyone.

When I’m nineteen, I move to Vancouver. It seems gigantic and bustling compared to my little home town. My dad buys me a small canister of dog spray, makes me promise to keep it with me in the…

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Final Fantasy XIV Review

Hello friends! Today I wanted to officially write my review on the game Final Fantasy XVI Online.


When it comes to online video games I would have to say my favorites all come down to MMO’s, survival and “some” shooters. While playing multiple MMO’s I have felt very biased because I’m a very die hard WoW player. I just recently took a break from WoW to try this game and man am I impressed. A lot of MMO’s lack the structure of World of Warcraft end game. Going into Final I knew it would be time consuming just like any other MMO, so first starting off choosing your class or in this case “job” became so versatile and intriguing! I still to this day want to play MORE. MORE JOBS MORE! I already had this issue when playing WoW. I always want to be able to help my friends with any role they may need me to play. I know I love to dps when playing alone, but with friends I have no issues jumping in the support role to be sure everyone has a place in our gaming group. With the recent WoW expansion “Legion” the new addition to artifact weapons and artifact power made having alts super exhausting. They’re much easier now to maintain but the past 6 months? It was a nightmare. I can’t express enough how much I love the fact every job you do, can be done so on one character. It just makes every alt junkies dreams come true! As for the game itself I can say I’m in love right now. But as any other game we have pros and cons. I’m gonna list mine out for you


  • Pro’s
  1. As I said before ,everything you do is done on one character. There’s no swapping to another toon with lower gold and items.  Of course you would have your main job as you would a “main character” but the option to easily swap and work on another job is always there. With this you no longer have the “faction” issue. This had only become an issue recently in WoW when I wanted to play a Night Elf druid because I felt the forms they got were so pretty. I simply just preferred the look of the Night Elf over a Tauren or Troll. However the faction issue made it so I couldn’t. I have played Horde most of my WoW days. I ran my own raiding guild therefor just swapping factions wasn’t so easy and the fact it would keep me from playing with any other friends on another faction. I have countless friends on Alliance while I raid and game with Horde friends. It kinda sucked. After playing a game that allows me to be whatever it is I want and game with ALL my friends… I don’t know if I could ever go back!
  2. In addition to every job being on the same character. Your main job will level at a normal pace but say you want to level a second? Third maybe? Cool cause you get at least double the xp than you did while leveling your main with story quests! Again this is an alt junkie’s dream come true! IT’S AMAZING!
  3. The gearing system. There was nothing more irritating than gearing from 850-880 in WoW. If you’re gearing a fire mage that needs massive amounts of crit? You better have RNG Jesus on your side because I couldn’t find upgrades for months. My 850’s and sometimes even 830’s would have more crit than an 880 piece. So far ( I’m still learning) every piece of gear that is up in item level will be a legit upgrade in stats, in Final Fantasy. The gearing is mostly based off of your job. So the stats are pretty easy to get down. This system makes it not only easier to manage but gives you a feeling of accomplishment… instead of disappointment while gearing up.
  4. Animations. Just wow. I can’t even say anything other than show you so I’ll link you a video here.  FINAL FANTASY XIV: Stormblood – Job Actions
  5. I love the inventory system. Seems like space might be an issue the more I progress through the game. However the Armory Chest system is awesome. It’s noob friendly and becomes way more organized for late game. It’s wonderful, I love it!
  6. Lore has a HUGE impact on these types of games. What I adore about Final, is that they revolve the leveling content around lore. The story they created… and it’s amazing. It can be overwhelming to read through everything sometimes. But overall I’m always wanting to continue on leveling not because of my level, but because I want to progress through the story and find out what happens next!
  • Con’s
  1. These past couple of weeks a new expansion was released called “Stormblood”. The content is great! But on launch as most games do there were issues. All understandable. These things happen. I personally didn’t appreciate how they handled it. Letting the issues just continue to happen for not only one day but 3 days. Many people have their own opinion but mine is simply I would rather the servers go down for a few hours, than not be able to log in or play any new content that I paid for. I felt very disconnected from the developers and I feel they should be more vocal with their fan case. I seen so many forum posts from players asking questions and reporting errors and bugs but nothing was said back to them to let anyone know they’er being heard. 
  2. Square Enix seems like a horrible company. So far I have read through about 20 post on their website requesting help for the 900002 error. They respond weeks after a post has been made. They ask the SAME questions over and over to multiple people who are receiving the same error and never come up with a solution. The mystery of the 900002 error continues! To break it down the 900002 error is a disconnection error. Which could be a number of things. But what it tells me… because so many people ( including myself) and no one has come up with a real solution that the solution needs to be made by Square Enix, but they clearly don’t care or some sort of solution would have been presented by now.
  3. Account set up was a B*tch! Once I got it done everything was fine. But why in the world are there so many websites for the same game? LOL?
  4. I really hate the DPS que times xD hahahaha!


With that said even with these “cons” I personally adore the game and will continue playing. I feel relaxed and genuinely enjoy the content these developers have created. Well done. If you would like to try of Final Fantasy XIV head over to their website finalfantasyxiv and download the free trial. You get 30 days free on the free trail. Obviously with some restrictions. You can’t add or invite other players, but other players can invite you. You can only go to level 35 and you are denied the access to a Grand Company keeping you from getting a Chocobo at level 20. But you have nothing to lose. It’s free to try out and you get the entire 30 days. Once you buy the also add an additional 30 days to your game time. They also have an amazing recruit a friend system. If you would like a recruit comment me your email and I will send you one 🙂

I hope you enjoyed this review. However this was one of my first written review and if you have any feedback regarding improvements please let me know! I hope you all have a wonderful day and Happy Gaming!

How to start loving yourself.

Over the years I have experienced the overwhelming pressure that’s placed on women about their appearance. For a long time I let it control me. Up until about a year ago I started to think differently. I stopped thinking about “what looks sexy on me” and started thinking “ what makes me comfortable”. Now I’m not talking about sweat pants and a baggy tee. No I mean what style of clothing am I comfortable in? What makes me feel good about me and helps me accept my natural form. With this in mind u want to share a few things I have tried this past year to help calm the anxiety of worrying about what others think of me or my appearance.

  1. Acceptance: When you look in the mirror. Start to look with acceptance. Weight loss isn’t magic and nor does it happen quickly. Healthy weight loss can take years of lifestyle changes. So it’s best to start loving your body for what it is. Once you care about the health of your body you can start making choices regarding your health  instead of what’s gonna make my butt look good in a bikini. For example. When I was 18 I valued the strength I had. I was the person people would go to, to lift heavy boxes and equipment. Every time I would lift anything heavy so many people were surprised by it. I valued this because I was very independent and I felt pride in not needing someone else to do those things for me. Over the years I noticed my strength had diminished. The day I noticed it was when I was rearranging my room and I couldn’t move my bed frame to the other side of the room. Being as stubborn as I am I had to place my back on the frame and my feet against the wall and push with my legs to move the bed frame. After I was in so much pain I realized I wanted that strength back. So when I work out, I lift weights or do exercises that help build muscle. I don’t care if my muscles start to form and show through my skin. I like feeling strong. Therefor I will do these exercises for ME and no one else.

  2. Try your best to stay positive: Being a positive Pam is never easy but believe it or not training your mind to overcome insecurities is through positive thinking. Once you’re okay with yourself you won’t care what others have to say. You will have good days and bad days. On those bad days try to fight those negative thoughts by doing something to help your body. Exercise releases endorphin’s that trigger positive thinking. With that in mind try your best that day to overcome those negative thoughts in anyway you can. Exercise, go home and look in the mirror and smile!

  3. Start educating yourself on nutrition: If you’re anything like me, growing up in America nutrition wasn’t taught to me. Sure my parents always told me to “finish my food” but they didn’t explain to be the importance of just simple water intake. To this day I struggle with dehydration because I never feel “thirsty” and often forget to drink water. Sometimes I would just chug an entire glass my force, but realized I felt bloated and icky after. I researched on better ways to “feel thirst” again. Most of these methods take time and I will let you know for sure if they work. I have tried taking a shot glass, filling it with water and taking shots of water up to 5 every morning, afternoon and night. This is supposed to help my body absorb the water better than just sitting in my stomach.

  4. Never choose starvation: A lot of people think that starving yourself is the easiest way to lose weight. They want to be slim so they sacrifice health for it. I would encourage you to never choose to starve yourself. I have done this in the past. After reading about what this does to your body overtime I stopped immediately. Love your body, take care of your body and don’t let your mind poison your body with the thoughts of becoming skinny. Choose to be strong. It’s never easy making lifestyle changes. Take it one step at a time and know all you have is time. You won’t lose all the weight you want just right before summer. So stop abusing your body to achieve a goal unreachable. Accept yourself in your beautiful skin and life will seem much happier.

A message for my Audience and Fan base.

I never planned to talk about this publicly. Mostly because a part of me hoped my best friend of 6 years would somehow mend things later on down the road. But this morning I woke to disturbing messages from multiple people who I considered my friends, fans, or audience. Some wanting to help, others just simply letting me know what she had said about me. I do value every single one of you. Anyone that even makes it a point to say hi or play a game… all of you. Every view, every like, every encouraging comment and every single donation has never EVER went on without a thank you or appreciation.

For some reason MelisaBaby is attempting to devalue my name. Why? Honestly I really don’t know. She has gone to not just fans but friends in real life and has decided to stir up drama about “comments” that I have said about certain people. I’m not perfect, and I never claimed to be. But neither is she. She’s just a bully behind a keyboard and at this point and there is nothing else to say, nothing else to do. But before you make the accusation that what she is saying is true or false. Come to me about it first. I can own up to my mistakes. She has won for the most part. She single handedly ruined friendships with people she could give 0 fucks about. All to take a stab at me behind the shadows. I tried to fix this and not let it go this far. She and I always agreed trust was a very thin line for the both of us. Secrets in our lives given to those we trust the most. In trusting it would never be broken. I will not give up that trust like she has done. But this shows HER character… not mine.

I have come to peace with what has been done. I have dealt with many friendships crumbling from silly drama many times over. I have come to the point now I know how to handle this. So please don’t worry about me. I’m just fine. I just ask if you have questions about the toxicity from MelisaBaby, that you come to me first before believing every word she says. Toxic people crave an audience. Don’t just sit in the audience. Speak up. Fight the show, don’t feed into it.

Women aren’t your enemy.

I used to always think being friends with other women was just impossible for me. A few memories from my childhood are embedded in my mind and I want to say it’s a reminder of how much I’ve grown and evolved over the years. I don’t ever remember being taught to think that other girls where my enemy or competition but I always remember feeling threatened. By the time I was done with high school I had a good group of friends I worked with. Most of my gal pals had boyfriends but there was one who was on and off with relationships. At the time I was very judgmental. I was raised with different types of religion but all and all religion only taught me that I couldn’t sleep with a man if I wasn’t married and I had to ignore my feelings for the same sex. Overall I judged my friend for her behavior. I heard others whispering “slut” and “whore” behind her back. I didn’t want that for her so I attempted to talk with her about how she was acting. As if what some group of people said mattered that much but that conversation turned into an argument. By the time the argument ended she had come to the conclusion I was jealous of her and all she had. She pointed out every single flaw on my body and compared it to her own. As she compared our bodies I went on to call her the names everyone else was calling her “SLUT!” “WHORE!”. This is only one story, but the point remains the same. When women feel threatened by other women, our first instincts is to punch a sore wound. These types of actions grow on top of our insecurities and most of the time these actions can stick on people for a long time. I’m not going to lie, that conversation still somewhat haunts me today. I have come a long way with how I treat my body but sometimes when I look in the mirror and look at the flaw she pointed out. It’s a reminder of a horrible fight with someone I thought of as a friend and in the end we just hurt each other.

You probably hear this babbled a lot but we often just wanted to be treated as equal as men and I don’t mean equal rights. (Sure that matters to but the point is.) When men sleep around they’re the “pimp” the “stud” the “ladies man”. When a woman does it they’re a “slut” a “whore” a “tramp”. This type of situation has grown even more problematic over the years. You have your own gender judging you for those actions while a man doing the same thing is just following his natural human instincts.

Now in the gaming community. Things are a bit different but also very similar. Say about 3 years ago if another woman showed up in a voice chat I would avoid and ignore her. Thinking to myself “she probably just another snobby chick”. Continue to avoid her and start to get irritated at her very presence. As years went on and I slowly started to see how my behavior seemed irrational. My attitude began to change and I made some really great friends along the way.

All in all the point to this blog is to inspire the women of the gaming community to start empowering each other. Instead having so much irrational hate toward one another. I have come across many women online that call me an “attention whore” for being a streamer. Or if I complain about harassment I get from men on voice chat, the only way it can be fixed is by not talking in voice chat at all. Saying the only solution to have these types of issues online is to act as if you don’t exist. To “pretend” to be male instead of female and if I accept any help at all in a video game I’m “just another fake gamer girl getting carried”. If we want men to stop saying these things, then we need to stop saying these things to each other. Empower each other. Defend each other… and most of all encourage each other! Sounds super cheesy I know. But maybe that’s just what we need 😉

Ark Survival Evolved

Ark Survival Evolved Video Series

These videos will take us on a journey through the amazing game Ark. As Luno and I move to the beautiful Redwood area on The Center map you can tag along with us as we continue to build, tame and progress through the game! I hope you enjoy these series! Big thanks to Mukwa Gaming for hosting the server for us!


Mukwa Gaming

Steam Group: http://steamcommunity.com/groups/mukwagaming#
Discord: https://discord.gg/x5aF7ZE
Website: http://mukwagaming.com/

Links to join:
The Center—-> http://toparkservers.com/server/
The Island—-> http://toparkservers.com/server/

Mod collection:

2x XP
2x Gathering
4x Taming
faster incubation and baby growth 10x
Level cap increased to 201
5x raft capacity


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