Realizing someone you care about, doesn’t care about you… stings right in the soul. I’ve dealt with this more than I would like to admit. Never really learning anything from my experiences other than it must be me. I’m the problem, I must not be likable… lovable.
I was browsing through YouTube as I always do. I came across a video of two friends who had somehow parted ways and decided to meet up once more and rekindle the friendship that once was. I think we can all relate to this in some way or another. We can’t just simply say “ I don’t care about this person anymore”. This video brought back memories and got me thinking of all the friendships or relationships I’ve had that ended badly. It made me wonder if I were to see that person today, what would I do? What would I say? Would I smile and say hi? Or would I panic and become anxious and walk away? With some people I felt I knew the answer. Others I guessed I would based it off of what the other person’s reaction would be.
Then it clicked. The encounters with these people are not just in my control. Sure I can do my part. I always try to be understand to others situations. I’ve been through some shit myself.. I get it. Life can just simply fucking suck sometimes. But I’ve learned that not everyone thinks the way I do. Not to say I’m better than anyone else. Maybe this is a curse within a blessing. I feel this trait has gotten me hurt more than it has helped me sadly. But I like being this way. I don’t like to judge others because I hate to be judged. I understand that the stress and chaos of life can often distract us and we end up hurting someone unintentionally in the process. This is just… life I guess. We all have our own way of dealing with it. You ultimately choose how you react to those people going through rough times. You can be understanding… or be selfish because they didn’t reach out to you one day when you could’ve used a friend. I strongly feel relating to someone’s heart ache or troubled experiences is a much better alternative. Which can also get me into trouble…
I have 3 sisters. I speak to my older sister almost daily but the other 2 are distant for the most part. But there’s one sister I grew up clung too. I was the second oldest. Always feeling protective of my sisters I would make a point at school or anywhere in public really.. that those were MY sisters. If anyone would pick on them or start some sort of drama ( you know high school) I would step in, no questions asked, ready to defend them. But there was one moment in my life where they needed my protection the most. A huge family upset that changed our lives. I felt as if I needed to be strong. Always head held high and ready to fight whatever was thrown our way. Then my sister suddenly… wasn’t my sister? She was angry. She was different? She looked at me differently. I would often make excuses for her in my own mind. Then I became angry with her. She ended up using me multiple times… Money, stealing or just simply causing unnecessary drama. I’m no fool so once was enough to keep my guard up. But I lost trust in her. I would distance myself to spare myself stress and worry. Then one day… I found out she was in a coma… Asleep for days not knowing if she would wake. It put a hole in my stomach. My mind racing to the worst possible thing that could happen. She had just given birth to a baby boy just a week before. After she gave birth the baby was still in the hospital for a week after she was released. Upset and stressed over her son still in the hospital she grew a headache one day. She simply took medicine to get rid of it… and it turned on her. She started seizing and stopped breathing. The ambulance got there, got her breathing again but she was unconscious. She was rushed to a more advanced hospital. If any of you have ever lived in a small town you know they have basic Hospitals. But when a situation get complicated they fly you to the nearest qualified hospital. Also known as “life flight”. She was in ICU for 3 days. When she woke my mom called me through facebook so I could see her. I just remember crying uncontrollably. I was so happy she was ok. As I learned more about her recovery we began to worry about her mental health. My sister has a strong personality. She’s stubborn, blunt and often has a “badass” attitude. Me being who I am I tried to understand why she was the way she was. She had been through hell… My father gave her up at 15 years old. Mentally abused her daily calling her fat, useless and stupid. My father was a horrible man to all of my sisters and I but by far the worst to her. I remember the day she left… I remember everything I was feeling. The anger I had for my father, the ache in my heart for her. The undying pain of wondering if I would ever see her again. When you’re given up to foster care there’s no telling where you would go. I was 17 years old watching my sister drive off in the back of some stranger’s car. Her bags packed and her room empty. We dealt with our shitty childhood together. I felt strong with her. But once she was gone I just felt empty. Thankfully my aunt had heard what was happening to my sister. She had been registered as a foster family household for some time now and with the help of being apart of our family she was able to take my sister into her home. Years went by. My father finally in prison for being such a horrible person. My mother, sisters and I lived with my grandparents. My sister had been living with my aunt for some time now but she starting acting out. She ended up leaving my aunt’s home to live with our mother but the odd behavior continued. She would start arguments for no reason. She was always mad or sad. Clearly troubled but no one knew how to help her. We would suggest therapy which she tried but never continued. Then hard drugs and smoking joined the picture and I could no longer recognize my sister.
Now that we have a small back story, let’s go back to the last few days in the hospital.
I got a call from her on Facebook. She was bored and irritated but wanted a distraction she said. A nurse is sitting in her room and my sister says “This fucking bitch nurse won’t let me leave”… The past 3 days after waking up she seemed… Normal. Like this was the old her. But as soon as she seemed to get better the more angry and rude she got. She’s the type of person to get carried away with these types of actions. I’m unsure why. Maybe our childhood broke her? The drugs? I felt I tried so hard to help her pick up the pieces but no matter what I did it never seemed to work. I have an unconditional love for her. But the love made me want better for her… but she didn’t see a “better”. As her life slowly went down hill… and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Accepting it felt like I was failing as a sister. But surely me pressuring her pushed her away from me further and eventually we stopped talking. The classic blocking me from Facebook and never answering my texts. She grew further and further away. I always ask about her to anyone who has the chance to see how’s she’s doing. But I rarely reach out knowing I’ll just be ignored.
My point to this blog is dealing and accepting someone you loved or cared about chooses to discard you from their life won’t be easy to deal with. But it’s a choice that’s not up to you. How do you deal with yourself if someone portrays you as the villain? As the faulted one? This is probably the situation I struggle dealing with the most. Most times I find myself thinking “I was so nice”, “I did so much for this person” “I did nothing wrong”. Mostly jumping to defending myself instead of thinking how I could of handled it better. In most of these friendships I’ve chosen to feel sad and down and mostly a victim to unhappy people. Through years of experiencing these things I realized I have to accept what is and still stick to being me. I want to be understanding and loving because so many people deprive me of that. I have no desire to be nasty to another person for their flaws or mistakes. We all have different stories that make us… well us. So I end this blog with encouragement to reach out to that person you want to reconnect with. Be understanding and most of all be kind and learn to let go of grudges. Letting go gives you peace.
Over the years I have experienced the overwhelming pressure that’s placed on women about their appearance. For a long time I let it control me. Up until about a year ago I started to think differently. I stopped thinking about “what looks sexy on me” and started thinking “ what makes me comfortable”. Now I’m not talking about sweat pants and a baggy tee. No I mean what style of clothing am I comfortable in? What makes me feel good about me and helps me accept my natural form. With this in mind u want to share a few things I have tried this past year to help calm the anxiety of worrying about what others think of me or my appearance.
- Acceptance: When you look in the mirror. Start to look with acceptance. Weight loss isn’t magic and nor does it happen quickly. Healthy weight loss can take years of lifestyle changes. So it’s best to start loving your body for what it is. Once you care about the health of your body you can start making choices regarding your health instead of what’s gonna make my butt look good in a bikini. For example. When I was 18 I valued the strength I had. I was the person people would go to, to lift heavy boxes and equipment. Every time I would lift anything heavy so many people were surprised by it. I valued this because I was very independent and I felt pride in not needing someone else to do those things for me. Over the years I noticed my strength had diminished. The day I noticed it was when I was rearranging my room and I couldn’t move my bed frame to the other side of the room. Being as stubborn as I am I had to place my back on the frame and my feet against the wall and push with my legs to move the bed frame. After I was in so much pain I realized I wanted that strength back. So when I work out, I lift weights or do exercises that help build muscle. I don’t care if my muscles start to form and show through my skin. I like feeling strong. Therefor I will do these exercises for ME and no one else.
- Try your best to stay positive: Being a positive Pam is never easy but believe it or not training your mind to overcome insecurities is through positive thinking. Once you’re okay with yourself you won’t care what others have to say. You will have good days and bad days. On those bad days try to fight those negative thoughts by doing something to help your body. Exercise releases endorphin’s that trigger positive thinking. With that in mind try your best that day to overcome those negative thoughts in anyway you can. Exercise, go home and look in the mirror and smile!
- Start educating yourself on nutrition: If you’re anything like me, growing up in America nutrition wasn’t taught to me. Sure my parents always told me to “finish my food” but they didn’t explain to be the importance of just simple water intake. To this day I struggle with dehydration because I never feel “thirsty” and often forget to drink water. Sometimes I would just chug an entire glass my force, but realized I felt bloated and icky after. I researched on better ways to “feel thirst” again. Most of these methods take time and I will let you know for sure if they work. I have tried taking a shot glass, filling it with water and taking shots of water up to 5 every morning, afternoon and night. This is supposed to help my body absorb the water better than just sitting in my stomach.
- Never choose starvation: A lot of people think that starving yourself is the easiest way to lose weight. They want to be slim so they sacrifice health for it. I would encourage you to never choose to starve yourself. I have done this in the past. After reading about what this does to your body overtime I stopped immediately. Love your body, take care of your body and don’t let your mind poison your body with the thoughts of becoming skinny. Choose to be strong. It’s never easy making lifestyle changes. Take it one step at a time and know all you have is time. You won’t lose all the weight you want just right before summer. So stop abusing your body to achieve a goal unreachable. Accept yourself in your beautiful skin and life will seem much happier.
Wednesday March 7th, 2012. The day we decided to become a couple. We had been spending a lot of time together before we made the decision to actually call what we had “a thing”. I remember being so afraid. So afraid of being disappointed once again. I have always been the “loving” type and always searched for serious relationships. I loved deeply but that was a flaw in my eyes. I pushed you away for a while. But when we finally gave it a shot we choose this date for some random reason haha. We had gotten so lost we couldn’t even remember the day we began dating. LOL
The night I told you I loved you ( maybe 6 months? )You looked at me and said “I don’t know what love is”. I remember how sad that made me feel at the time. I told you that was ok, but I wanted you to know how I felt. Later on I began to appreciate one of the greatest values you carry. Honesty. Throughout this relationship we have grown a trust not many get to share. I can’t thank you enough for being honest with me that night. Because the day you said it. I knew you meant it and it made me the happiest.
I know it may not seem like it sometimes but, you make me so so happy. I can’t imagine life without you ❤ Our little family is all I need to keep a smile on my face. Here’s to five years with you my love. I love you, for all that you are, all that you have been and all you’re yet to be. ❤ Te amo mi rey ❤
All my life I have worked. From a young age things weren’t easy for me. I ventured out on my own when I was 16. Never feeling as if I “fit in” to the world. I did what I thought I must at the time. At the age of 19 I went into restaurant management thinking it was the only thing I could do to get to a point in my life where I didn’t NEED anyone but myself. Money has always been a struggle for me and many others on this earth. After 7 years of working in restaurants I decided to try to take a step to what i thought was happiness. Maybe without the fear of not having funds for my bills would make me feel at ease. I’m a survivor. I rely on myself alone to carry the weight on my shoulders. I know I can always count on me.
At 22 my life twisted. I was always known for making it on my own. I fell for a man living 2 hours away from my home. After seeing each other for about 6 months I decided to move closer to him. Moving closer to him meant giving up my assistant management job for a support managing job. The choice I made I would soon regret. Sharing a home together owned by his parents the relationship went sour. Once again I find myself hurting because I relied on someone else. It’s no one’s fault but my own. Who am I to expect people to be perfect? This meant I had nothing of my own. My car, clothing and a computer… That’s it. Having nowhere to go my ex choose to let me stay in his house and pay half rent. Of course anyone could imagine how that went. But within these moments is when I knew, I wanted what I once had. I needed to make a change. An upgrade in life. I decided it was time for that change. I remember speaking to my online gaming friends about Full Sail University. Every night after work I would come home and just talk and game with them for hours. Dreaming of the day when I would finally say “yes, I’m going”.
In February of 2012 I drove from Marietta Ohio to Orlando Florida to attend Full sail University to study Digital Art and Design. I felt the school overall prepared me well. I felt the most prepared after graduation than most college students graduating. However I was not prepared for what was yet to come.
2 years of constant searching. Never really feeling secure or “ok” when it comes to my financials or finding a place for me. I try my best and when my best isn’t enough it begins to eat me up inside. I feel the depression slowing taking over me. The end results has me fighting a battle with myself every day to keep going. To keep trying. Today is NOT your last day I won’t go down that easily. I just have to keep trying. Some days don’t goes as well as others. However this time around things began to seem different. I pushed this energy I felt into creating something all my own. I make the decisions for this, I decide what to create and I decide how it’s created. Then I remember… This is what I’m good at. Pulling self motivation from the darkest parts of me and pushing myself to make something of it.
What rejections have you been through? What have come out of these rejections and how do you plan to deal with them in the future?
I want to start off with saying I am not a mental health professional. I have done research on this topic in desperately for my life back. The past 2 years have been rough for me and still from time to time I find myself stuck in these pits of sadness in my own mind. You’re your worst critic. Everything I create I critique for days on end until I’m “okay” with the outcome but never fully happy with the end result.
For months and months I went through job interviews and filling out countless job applications. I would wait day by day with my email always open on my computer screen. I made it to so many job interviews that turned out disappointing. I’m starting to feel no one really respects designers or artists, offering barely enough wages to pay for rent in California let alone live here. I’m not saying designers CAN”T find jobs here nor live here but it seems there are not many willing to pay what I believe my work is worth. This frustrating situation caused me to think the worst in myself. My own critique designed to degrade and distress me. These feelings went on for months leading onto a year. A year had passed and I realized how consumed I had become with these feelings, I have done research on this topic in an attempt to desperately get my life back
With my research I had learned that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Which all made sense scientifically but what exactly does it mean? How does this imbalance occur and why does it make me feel sad? I’m not a scientist nor a doctor so these “chemicals” and what they do is something I don’t understand. What I do know is how to prevent these chemicals from causing an imbalance or balance them back to normal. To better understand the science behind this I watched a video I would like to share with you. To most it might seem boring but these types of educational videos interests me especially when it comes to bettering my body and mood.
In the video he talks about how this rate of depression has increased greatly over the years and how most of the time we are put on antidepressants and just kind of expect the medication to “fix” us. I have never been the type of person to take medication. I will take something for a horrible headache but I feel my body has the strength to overcome most issues on my own. Even with pain my body will somehow find a way to soothe it. Some people don’t think in this way or they simply are so deep in their depression believing there is no escape but these drugs… and that’s ok. I don’t have anything against antidepressants. However the way I choose to deal with these things is my choice as it is yours to make your choice. I choose to take certain actions naturally to help me deal with what I have become. I just wanted to put that out there in case you were wondering why I don’t just take the medication to feel better. It’s not me.
Also in the video he talks about a group of people called the “Kaluli”. They don’t live as we do but live like hunters and gatherers. Scientifically how we were designed to survive. Now days we just sit at home and entertain ourselves with tv shows and computers. Gathering food is as easy as going to the grocery store and surviving seems so simple. Therefor we start to feel we have no purpose. At least that’s where I have gone. What I feel. I feel useless to the point I have to depend on my boyfriends income to survive. I hate saying it out loud. I disappoint myself by saying it and acknowledging it. I hate that I put all the pressure on him to help us survive. I despise telling others I have no work. That I have been searching going on 2 years now and have not fit myself in somewhere. To have them look at me as if I’m not trying. As if I’m being a lazy ass hole sitting home letting my partner carry me in life. As I try my hardest to keep my mind sane, continue searching and never giving up because there is one person who believes I can still do it. That I can still find a company where I am appreciated in. Or just find some small piece of success. He see’s the good in me I no longer see in myself. When I’m breaking down crying and barely breathing… he holds me, comforts me and is pain just simply because I’m in pain. He is a huge piece to this puzzle, but not the only one. The rest has to come from me. Being strong and never giving up. Never giving up starts with coming up with the next move to feeling normal again. I started to change my diet. Not only was I starving myself at the time but I was and have been strongly addicted to sugar. Which in result had me hating my body. Starving myself ect. I started eating fruits and veggies more often. Always trying my best to snack on them each day. Then I slowly started incorporating them into meals just simply because I grew to like them. Bananas for examples is known as the “happy” fruit. I mostly like them when they’re raw but eating them that way is not good for your digestive system. Having them with mostly with brown spots is the best way. I’m not a fan of them like this but I started making them in smoothies. Blended up bananas almost feel like milkshakes. This way I enjoy them try to have them often. Next is exercising. I absolutely hate the gym. I despise it and how bored it makes me. I will go sometimes to for my mussels but I mostly enjoy swimming or walking my dog. Doing these has helped me not overcome but deal with the current discomfort of depression.
I can’t help but admire my younger self. I know right? The time you feel the most dumb when thinking back? The time you clearly are haunted by the dumb mistakes you made in the past and yet you admire that part of yourself. The part of my life where it didn’t matter what I looked like…
As the years went on and these things started to matter. The more and more stressed I became about it. “My thighs are too big” “My belly pops out when I eat, I must be eating to much”. Just small things in my younger mind. I thought I could solve this on my own. It seems like when the topic comes up about losing weight… it’s always a mystery. So we turn to these companies with products and essentially the “solution” to lose weight. For years I fell into this trap. But why? WHY?…. Because we are told we have a certain “image” we are supposed to achieve. We’re supposed to be skinny, petite and as thin as possible. Lets not forget if there is an oz of fat on us we are criticised for it from our peers. We all know women getting the shitty end of the deal when it comes to the way we look. Not all women are as accepting as I would like to think but I would say women deal with this at a more intense level than men. And from a personal perspective I let this type of criticism consume my life.
About a year ago I became overly obsessed with my look. I started starving myself some days when I felt too bloated and went to the gym 6 days a week for an hour of cardio for 3 months. I wasn’t losing anything… Sure I lost when I didn’t eat. But when I did. I just felt bloated every time and sure enough the weight came back. People tell me all the time “you’re not eating the right things” always trying to lecture me about what I choose to eat and how much. The changes I have made over the last 2 years where great choices! I know that and that’s all that matters. But the one thing I wish I could have realized sooner… is that all of this takes time. No you can’t lose 15 pounds in 2 months… Not the healthy way at least. Not in a way where it will stay away. Making a lifestyle change takes time. But YES you can do it and eventually it will feel normal. Be picky about what you put in your body. And when you feel bloated or full from a meal don’t feel bad. Because you nurtured you body with great foods and your body will love you for it.
Each and everyone of us is built differently. Sure we have a skeleton that resembles the same thing. But the same size? No. We’re all uniquely different. So why are we comparing ourselves to others? Knowing we are different from them? Why not admire the fact that you can be your own unique self? Which sure is hard and I always want to admire a positive body image. I found that in Iskra Lawrence. She is tall and build like me… most models are not even close to my build at all… But she matches me the closests. I feel like doing this is much healthier than looking at a victoria’s secret model on a runway. You can be sexy! In your own way! Love it! Work it! Be you!
The point to this blog is to show I’m not afraid of not looking like someone else… anymore. I’m ok with being me. I love myself and I will make healthy choices because I love my body and I know it’s the only one I get. But it’s not a race…. I have ate unhealthy for years starting when I was young. No one taught me about nutrition. I had to learn on my own.
It was just another normal, boring day in my apartment. I was checking my email every 30 minutes. Browsing craigslist, LinkedIn and Facebook all while getting lost in my thoughts. I decide to head to the kitchen and make something for lunch. “It’s only 1 o clock, time is moving so slow” I think to myself. I scrounge up some leftovers from the night before. Quinoa, chicken and beans with Arizona green tea.
I sit back down in my chair as I look at my computer screen. My “silly” has sent me an image. The most beautiful image that instantly boosted my mood and brought me to tears. White fur, beautiful light blue eyes and an amazing smile. A Siberian husky in need of a home. I demand he tell me if he was trolling me or not. It’s something he often does. He thinks he’s funny at times but this is something I truly wanted and felt she needed us. He said he’s not trolling but has to message them asap because someone inside his office was interested in the beautiful creature. I tell him to “hurry hurry!” He answers back and says someone is interested and most likely will have her. If something happens then we are next in line. I felt sad and nervous. Hopeful that she will still need a home the next day.
The following day comes. I am just sitting and waiting, asking every hour if there was any news. He attempted to keep it as a surprise for me but, he could not keep it from me. We were to meet the beautiful husky and the current owner the following day.
At 6pm, Silly pulled up in the car as I was waiting eagerly outside for him. I jump in the car and we head to an apartment complex with a tennis court. We parked and had a small walk to our destination. As we get closer I see her white fur and fluffy curly tail. She is running with 2 other huskies. My heart starts to race with excitement. I want to jump up and down and just scream. I squeeze silly’s hand smile at him. As we walk up to the gate she continues to run and we are greeted by the owner and her friends. She is so precious. After conversation and exchanging information we where now the new owners to the beautiful white husky, Luna.
Abandoned by her first owners, Luna was rescued by a women named Laurin. Luna…. She rescued me.